He’s A Hero

I guess this is going to be another political post. I wasn’t planning about doing much about politics, but whatever. I think it’s OK. BTW, sorry if this one isn’t as good as some of my other posts. It was kind of rushed.

So, I assume all of you people have already heard that Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, if you hadn’t, now you have. Yeah, I think that’s alright and all, but come one, did he really deserve it? An Inconvenient Truth was an OK movie and all, but it did have some inaccuracies and exaggeration in it, and it was clearly politically motivated. Sure, it won an Oscar, but since when does that make a movie good? I mean, did Al Gore really deserve that Nobel Prize? I think not.

However, I do know who does deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. Captain Planet. He is, after all, Our hero. And who else can take pollution down to zero? Think about that. Zero. That’s pretty fucking impressive. I don’t see Al Gore taking anything down to zero. Not very ambitious, I think. Global warming and the environment are hot issues right now, and no one has done more to protect the earth than Captain Planet. Seriously, Captain Planet has been around for more than seventeen years now. He was kicking pollution’s ass before Al Gore was even vice president. What what an ass-kicking job he did. I mean, not only can he fly and bend steel and shit, he can actually combine his powers to recycle shit. Unless Al Gore can take a whole bunch of aluminum cans, melt them down, turn them into a space station, and throw it into orbit, he’s got nothing on Captain Planet. Also, Captain Planet is a captain. Al Gore was in Vietnam and all, but he’s no captain. Not to mention the fact that, if not for Captain Planet, Germany would have gotten the atomic bomb in World War Two before us (no seriously, that’s an episode). I’m pretty sure Al Gore never stopped the Nazis from nuking America. Captain Planet is such an obvious choice for the Nobel Peace Prize (and the presidency), it’s a wonder he hasn’t won already! WTF people?! Get your asses out of that chair and go do some shit to make sure Captain Planet gains the recognition he deserves!

Our Next Glorious Leader

So there’s been a lot of talk lately about the 2008 presidential elections. I keep hearing how Giuliani is a fascist liar and how Clinton’s a communist and how Ron Paul is OMG t3h 4wes0m3! and how Obama is black. Well, you people can have your fascist, communist, 4wes0m3 and black (hehe, yeah right) candidates, but I know exactly who I want as my next president. He, I would say, is perhaps the greatest man ever to enter the field of politics. Many presidents have aspired to be just like him, especially our current president. All have failed. He is a man who’s worth know no bounds and whose capability is unparalleled. No, I’m not talking about Eleanor Roosevelt or Ronald Reagan’s zombie. I, good people, am talking about none other, than Dan Quayle. Yes, that’s right. Dan Quayle is the man who I feel should be our next president.

Now I know some of you are thinking “But he’s not even running!” Well that may be true, but if I have my way, the situation may change soon enough. It’s only a matter of time before he begins to respond to my daily emails. I fear however, that my efforts alone may not be enough. Which is why I am asking you to assist me in convincing Dan Quayle, the greatest man who ever lived, to run for president in 2008. SEND HIM EMAILS!! Tell him how much you want him to be our next president. I assure you, if we make him see that he can build a forest, that there are, in fact, more forests than trees, the pollsters will say that he will win.

Dan Quayle is the only man who could possibly lead our country to glory and might. Under his leadership, the United Sates of America will become the greatest nation in the entire solar system. The U.S. will have the smartest, the strongest, and the coolest American people in the entire world! This is practically a no brainer here. Dan Quayle should be president.

So, why exactly do I think Dan Quayle would make such a wonderful president? Let me ask you something: why not? Dan Quayle will be the one responsible for the first manned mission to mars. Not only that, but he will also be responsible for us colonizing Jupiter. I assure you, this will happen with the help of Mr. Quayle’s brilliant mind.

Speaking of minds, Dan Quayle is very big on education. Unlike our current president, who firmly believes that “our childrens do learn,” Mr. Quayle knows the true value of an education. He realizes that to not have a mind, is indeed very wasteful. Under Quayle’s undoubtedly excellent education policy, we will make sure that our children are prepared to take on any potatoe-related challenges the world may throw at them. We can count on Dan Quayle for our children’s futures.
You can be certain, that Mr. Dan Quayle, as president, will be completely and utterly prepared for any event that may or may not happen. Besides, Bush can’t possibly win in 2008. If we elect Dan Quayle to the presidency, the future will, in fact, be better tomorrow.

Also, this.

The Great Green Breakfast

This is a little narrative I wrote to fuck with my English teacher in school. It’s not all that great but it’s not bad.

A few years ago, in a quiet suburb of New Whoville, as I sat reading a newspaper on a bench in the park. It seemed to be more or less like any other day, until, that is, a strange boy showed up riding a large dog. He was holding a large white, rectangular sign with bold black print that read simply “I am Sam.” While I may have thought this to be unusual at first, I paid no mind to it. Though I can’t say I was particularly pleased by all the noise the boy was making.

A few moments passed before I noticed the strange boy coming back. This time he was riding a large cat-like creature. He also had a new sign, one that read “Sam I am” in large red letters. Looking around, I noticed that there was no one else in the vicinity. This “Sam-I-Am” character must have been directing his activities toward me. Now I was clearly quite busy reading my newspaper. This is something that would surely have been apparent to him the first time he passed. I decided that Sam-I-Am was in fact a very rude gentleman. “Fortunately,” I thought, “he appears to have left for good this time.”

This was not so. Only a moment later he appeared yet again, this time holding a strange extendable hand-like contraption. The hand was holding a platter on top of which there was, what appeared to be, two eggs with green yolks and a green ham. And then he spoke: “do you like green eggs and ham?”

“I do not like them, Sam-I-Am. I do not like green eggs and ham.” was my prompt and polite response.

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, he brandished two large pointing sticks and pointed to nearby spots asking “if I like them here or there.”

Now, at this point, I naturally became quite angry and proceeded to explain to him that I do not like green eggs and ham, no matter where they are offered, and left immediately.

Sam-I-Am however, was very persistent. As I passed a house, he appeared inside of it and hollered to me asking if I would like them (the green eggs and ham) in a house or with a mouse. Once again, I politely explained to him that I would not and left.

Sam-I-Am, had other plans. It seems he refused to let me be, offering the strangely colored breakfast to me “in a box” and “with a fox.” My response was the same, yet he once again, refused to leave me alone. He appeared in a car and pleaded “Eat them! Eat them! Here they are!”

“Not in a car! You let me be.” I begged, but he pushed on, refusing yo relent.

Sam-I-Am would not give me peace! He simply would not! In a tree, on a train. No! In the dark? No not in the dark! I pleaded, I begged, but no. In the rain, with a goat, on a boat? No! No! NO!! “I do not like green eggs and ham! I do not like them Sam-I-Am.”

“Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say.”

I could not take it any more, I simply could not! This Sam-I-Am would kill me with his constant begging and pleading and pestering and persuading and bothering and bugging. I concede. “Sam! If you will let me be, I will try them. You will see.”

I picked up the fork he offered and stabbed it unto one of the eggs (both were sunny side up). Reluctantly, I lifted it into my mouth… “Say! I like green eggs and ham! I do! I like them, Sam-I-Am!”

Instantly I felt like a complete and utter fool. These were delicious! OH how stubborn and stupid I have been. Why? Why did I not listen to Sam-I-Am? “Thank you! Thank you, Sam-I-Am!”

 

In case you didn’t realize, it’s Green Eggs and Ham from the perspective of the old dude.

Most awesome

I got a little idea from my friend Cema to do a comment-based post… or some shit like that.

What is the most awesome thing ever? I’m asking you. Comment. Or some shit.

‘Sup?

Hey. What’s up? OK cool. I guess I’m gonna start blogging again. I know I haven’t posted in a while, but I guess I’ll start again. I suppose I was running a bit short on material. Also, I went away for two weeks and then school started again so I knd of just didn’t bother. I mean, I had time, but you know. Meh.

I think I’m gonna change a few things. Maybe. I might put some stuff on here other than random thoughts and ideas. We’ll see.

Quack.

Right, so I usually don’t like to bitch about stuff online (offline, it’s a different story), but I’m in a foreign country, 5 thousand miles from home, hot, sweaty and jet-lagged. In other words, if you don’t like this post, fuck you.

Hey, you know what would be awesome?! Obviously that’s a rhetorical question. If you did, ou wouldn’t need me to tell you. However, since you are here, I figure I might as well tell you. Cows that quack are awesome. Yes, that’s right. Like I said before, our technology is totally teh cool and shit. Well, why not make cows quack. I don’t mean like all cows, just the ones you go around showing your friends (note: this is really intended for farmers). I guess The best way to do it would be to insert an speaker into the cow and hook up its brain to it. That way, whenever it tries to moo, it will quack!

Words.

As long as I’m making up new words, I though I might as well just give you a list. I mean, come on. Making up words is just cool.

Here’s one: Abominatious. It describes something that is an abomination and it’s way cooer than “abominable.”

How about Awesomnicity? OK, that’s just dumb, but it’s awesome so I’m keeping it.What about “mouth-noise” then? It means talking, bitch.

Alright here’s a good one: Elemeno. It describes something P-shaped. I bet you can’t guess why.

And finally, “lollerpopsicoptersz!” Just to put an end to the “lollerpops” vs. “roflcopterz” debate.

So yeah. These are pretty much all of them. I mean, in addition to “biziatchio” and “swpash.” Keep in mind, I expect you, my readers, to propagate the news of my genius through the use of these mind control techniques words.

Just another WordPress — fuck you!

So you may be thinking “Why the fuck did this guy start this blog thing anyway?” Well let me just say that if you actually asked yourself this question, I have an answer for you: fuck you! If you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you. It’s because there are a shitload of “blogs” out there and almost all of them suck.

Now first, let’s define what I mean by “blog.” It’s a site people make to write about shit. I guess that’s not always the typical definition of a “blog,” but then again I think “blog” is a stupid name anyway. I think it should be called a swpash (site where people write and shit). In fact, as far a I’m concerned, all blogs are now swpshes.

Welcome to my swpash!

The way I see it, there are three types of swpashes. Now, because I like you people so much, I will detail all three types for your pleasure.

Type one: These are swpashes where people just write about shit. Seriously, it’s shit. Also, you can hardly call it “writing.” Usually these are just on-line journals. Sometimes however, they are about entertainment. Most of these are composes of either “OMG my boyfriend broke up with me and I’m posting online!” or “OMG Paris Hilton’s in jail, everybody knows it thanks to the fucking retarded news media and I’m posting about it on-line!” If you decide you want to start one of these, you should die.

Type two: Alright, this type of swpash isn’t so bad. The thing is, there are too many of these. Also, a lot of them suck. This type of swpash can be about just about anything. Politics is a common topic, but there’s also technology, science, religion, philosophy, the environment, and a bunch of other shit. I’m sure you could name at least three type two swpashes without even thinking.

Type three: These are the good ones. I am striving to make this site a type three swpash. I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER, for example, is a type three swpash. The Best Page in the Universe is also something I’d like to call a type three swpash. Basically, they are original and witty. But then, I suppose that’s why these swpashes are so popular isn’t it?

Elephants of Ownage!

Let me start off by saying something that everyone already knows: elephants are cool. They are cool because they are big. As I’m sure you already know, they are largest land animal alive today. Of course, elephants have been around for a while now, and I think they need a bit of a… redesign.

With our totally awesome modern technology we can do all kinds of really fucking cool shit. I mean we can make robots do are fighting and/or chores for us! We can give people fake organs when their real ones stop working! We even have a worldwide network of interconnected computer which allows anyone access to almost any piece of information they want whenever they want it. All I’m saying is, we take an elephant, and make it into an awesome cyborg thing.

OK, so first, we would probably have to create a genetically engineered elephant clone. Now, elephants are pretty tough, but our modern weapons can kill them pretty easily. That is why armor plating and a missile defense system will be included on the elephant 2.0. Special armor plates (probably made from a combination of Kevlar and carbon fiber) will be attached to the elephant to shield it it from enemy fire. The elephant will also have four lasers as part of an anti-missile defense system. It will have one on each flank, one on its forehead and one on its ass. Instead of a normal elephant trunk, it will have a totally awesome robotic trunk. This will also have a laser, however this laser will be for offensive purposes. The elephant 2.0 will also be equipped with a missile launcher on its back. This will replace part of its spine and since it won’t be needing all of its internal organs, the ammo can go inside of its body. Another possibility is replacing the missile launcher with either a rail gun or a coil gun.

Now that’s all well and good, but it’s not like the elephant is all that much cooler than any modern tank, right? WRONG!!! Tanks can’t fly (well, except for one during WWII that the Americans tried to develop. Needless to say, the idea never really got off the ground [pun very much intended]). This elephant will be equipped with an advanced VTOL (vertical take off and landing) system. It will include two jet thrusters and somewhere between one and four helicopter blades.

Of course, you can’t really trust an elephant with all these expensive systems can you? No, you can’t. That is why an advanced artificial intelligence will be implanted into its partially computerized brain in order to supplement its mediocre elephant intelligence. This will allow it to not only overpower its enemies, but also outsmart them.

So let’s review. We have here the elephant 2.0. A marvel of future technology. It has both defensive and offensive lasers, armor plating, an artificial intelligence implanted into its computer-brain, a missile launcher (or rail gun or coil gun) and it can fly. You know what? I think it’s fucking awesome. You know what, fuck that. It is fucking awesome! Trust me, one day, these things will be the future of war. Yeah, they’ll totally replace humans and tanks and shit. And do you know why? I think it’s obvious by now… yeah, that’s right. It’s because they totally kick ass!

Bust a cap in his ass and jack his shit!

OK, so a while ago my friend and I came up with a new idea for an economic system. It’s called Bust a Cap in His Ass and Jack His Shit Economics (otherwise known as BACIHAAJHSE). It’s sort of like what America is doing in Iraq and what Russia wants to do at the north pole. Actually, it’s not. It involves the use of even more force. Think of it as a large-scale version of mugging. Or rather, killing and then taking the other guy’s stuff. Maybe you can then kill his family too. Take their car while you’re at it. Don’t forget to burn down the house when you’re done. Yeah, it’s a large-scale version of that.

But that’s not all! it’s not just a large-scale version, it also exists on the small scale domestically. Basically, you have people who do whatever they want. These people are called “everyone.” They also have guns. Lot’s of guns. Everyone has a shitload of guns. Now, everyone can do whatever they want. They can kill, steal, build factories, etc. It’s pretty much a free-for-all here. Except the guns and ammunition (and crack) are provided for free by the government! Now, you may be thinking, “But how does the government have the money to provide this stuff to everyone?” Simple, there is no money. Guns and ammo are money. The government just finds a guy who has guns and shit, bust a cap in his ass, and jack his shit. Hence, the name of the economic system.

The idea is, eventually, the coolest people are left alive. They have killed pretty much everyone else and jacked their shit, so they have like, a LOT of shit. In fact, they have so much shit, they can’t jack each other’s shit without getting killed.

So here you have a country where all its citizens are busting caps in each other’s asses and jacking each other’s shit, and the country itself is busting caps (nukes) in other countries’ asses and jacking their shit (oil, minerals, etc.). Yeah, this is one fucking awesome economic system.